well I can't set my house on fire every night
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Drunk is not a location!
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
