I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
