I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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