Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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