just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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