I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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