sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
