My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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