someone threw a dead crab at me
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
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