Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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