I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
