i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I could fuck to npr.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
