he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
