I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
me + whiskey = a bad person
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Randomize
