Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
