it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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