I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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