shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
