you're like a bully in the Christmas story
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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