you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
