After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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