i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
