This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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