why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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