It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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