Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
