rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
