do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
