a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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