YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
