I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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