apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
