How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
