she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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