1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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