never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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