I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
