when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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