where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i think my mom watched the whole time
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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