Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
