And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Randomize
