i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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