I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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