Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
wow bdsm is so cute
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
