Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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