i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
