I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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