I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
