Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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