I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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