I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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