Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
