The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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