Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
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