she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
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You. Win. At. Life.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
