this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
